Even though I did well all day, I ate out for dinner. I need to stop eating out period, even if it’s not fast food. I had chicken with bell peppers and rice. Even though that doesn’t sound that bad, I probably ate too much of it. I passed on dessert though. So I’m proud of myself for that. I did my exercises today like I promised. I did stretching, pilates, and energy dancing.
I still don’t get what’s wrong with me though? I need to do some soul searching on why I’m so addicted to eating out. I feel like every once and while I just get this urge that’s completely uncontrollable. It’s not even fast food most of the time. Okay so maybe when I’m on my way somewhere and I need something quick fast food sounds good. But, it’s not good for me. Why don’t I love myself enough to just do it right? Of course there’s the vicious circle that obese people are in. You eat because you hate yourself, and you hate yourself because you eat. It’s really time to break the cycle from both ends, stop eating like there’s no tomorrow, and learn to love myself. It sounds simple huh? Not really. I don’t know what’s going to be worse, quitting eating, or quitting smoking. Yes, I’m a smoker. Ouch, huh? I know it’s bad for me, and I want to quit, but I have to choose between two evils. Taking medicine that will make me gain weight to quit smoking, or keep smoking until I can lose a decent amount of weight.
Did I mention this “new me” isn’t just going to be skinnier, but also healthier in general. Which means I will also be quitting smoking, and also be getting off some nasty medicine. I don’t want to give myself a time limit on anything. Why? Because I’m the type of person that will give up if I don’t live up to my expectations of myself, even if I get close. I’m not going to set myself up for failure that way. I know I have some kind of emotional and physical addiction problems to food. I mean you know you’re not doing good when your blood sugar drops and you have a freak out.
Freak outs aside. I care if I completely fall back into my old habits, but I don’t care about slips here and there. I know that just because I fall down every once and while doesn’t mean I can’t get back up again. It’s the willingness to get back up that I care about. Seems kind of counter intuitive to what I said before? Yeah I’m weird like that, I’m sure there’s other people that understand.
I know that I have a lot of inner work to do. So I’m going to share with you my Consciousness Cleanse homework for today. I have to be fearless and share these things, or else no one will know how I truly feel, and what I’m going through trying to break these bad habits.
I am on Day 3 of the Consciousness Cleanse. Day 3 is especially tough to do, the chapter is titled “The Gift of Release”. In the first paragraph she says “…seek out and let go of what has robbed you of the purity of an innocent mind, a clear heart, and a strong body.” Seeking out, that’s easy; letting go of, whoah hold the phone, gotta take some time with this one. I’m angry… I’m angry at the doctor’s that didn’t pay much attention to me, and gave me medicine that made me look like a chipmunk. I’m angry at everyone who ever told me what I could and could not do. Anything that ever held me back from my full potential is on my poop list. I’m angry that I’ve lost so many loved ones to the phenomena called death. My grandparents are gone, my Dad is gone, my dogs are gone. But I have to realize that if I stay wrapped up in this anger, it’s going to be toxic to me. I’m even angry at myself a lot, and I think that anger hurts me worst of all. My innocent mind is angsty, my clear heart is judgemental, and my strong body… ? Well let’s just say it’s more squishy than rock solid. I’ve been so wrapped up in this anger for so long… so very, very long. I need to get angry at my anger, tell it to hit the road; it’s no use living in the past. All that matters is what happens today, right now, in this moment, my choices.
Under the “Cleansing Rituals” section she asks to take a look at this toxicity and rate how much all these toxic things that have happened have effected different areas of your life. 1 is not much, 10 is more than I can calculate. Here’s my list.
Self-esteem : 9
Confidence : 10
Physical Energy : 9
Creativity : 6
Passion : 8
Intuition : 6
Future : 9
Sense of Peace : 9
Ability to Love : 5
Ability to be Loved : 7
These are not some very appetising numbers putting things into perspective this way. “Let go Rachel! Let go! Be gone demon anger!” Laughter is good medicine, but a lot of the time it’s only a band-aid. More cleansing rituals to come soon…