Tornado Tuesday
or so it felt like anyways.
Sleep: Better
Short and sweet late night phone time with El Duderino, so I went to bed at a decent time and stayed asleep. Ahh the snooze and a warm cozy bed shall be the death of me--only if I let it.
Breakfast 7ish: Homemade granola bar with dried cranberries and mini-chocolate chips adapted from the Sneaky Chef cookbook, half-sandwich of cheese and bacon on buttered wheat toast--love my protein and dairy combo, I guess, water, and a tall vanilla cappuccino with whole milk and a heaping scoop of cocoa mix a.k.a my lame attempt at coffeehouse style specialty drinks.
Lunch 12:15ish: Turkey sandwich with provolone, regular mayo--about a tsp. or so, and romaine lettuce on whole wheat bread, 4 covert op chocolate chip cookies, and lots o' water.
Snack 3pm: Snickers peanut butter whole grain protein bar--I'm not gonna lie. This was delicious, easy to eat, and I'm glad my dad gave it to me.
While I'm still going to search for a healthier option--probably should stick to the granola bars I made--I'm glad I had this on hand because by 3pm, I was starving and getting a headache and the funny thing is, not getting enough to eat is not usually my problem. Come on, if you've read what I ate, you know this to be true.
Dinner 5:45pm: I initially packed that energy bar to be my dinner, but after preschool, running laps with kids during recess, trying to switch to a more affordable and beneficial health insurance plan (but really--is there such a thing???), running errands with the kid, that energy bar was a snack and mama bear was craving some food!
Thankfully, there is Chick-Fil-A on campus--had school today--and I splurged on a medium fry--they packed it pretty generously, thank goodness, 8-count nuggets--fresh out of the fryer-yum, and a large sweet tea with two lemons.
I feel awful about eating out AGAIN at a restaurant that really needs to be a few and far between treat and not a regular occurence--two days in a row???--and it was my fault for not planning enough and packing a better dinner.
I had some dried cranberries, raisins, and sunflower seeds as a snack, but I was selfish and wanted more substantial food. Plus, I ate hoping that the headache that came on before I downed that energy bar would come back--I could deal with the empty stomach, but I'm too much of a baby to deal with the headaches sans ibuprofen.
Physical activity: better
I was so disgusted with my inactivity yesterday and over the weekend that I was determined not to sit down unless absolutely necessary while at recess with the younglings and everytime a kid asked me to run-I did. I thought I did a decent job of staying moving, taking a break here and there, but not vegging out or anything like that. The kids had a great time, so that's good, too.
No meaningful workout, gym time, or anything. Am contemplating my feeble-attempt-at-exercise yoga/sit-up/push-up routine after I sign off to at least try to tone up and slim down--we'll see. No promises.
Spirituality: Encouraged that God is interested in direction and not perfection and am so grateful He is interested in a changed heart and a life transformed and not just the immediate termination of all sinful and rebellious behavior--which is impossible this side of heaven.
"Successive approximations" for all my fellow pysch geeks out there--shaping behavior towards the desired goal--a changed behavior and not just the fact the behavior doesn't happen anymore.
So simple, true, and a no-brainer for most--but not for this slow, stubborn, rebellious mule.
I was convicted of my unrealistic expectations of myself and of my daughter. God is really using the behavior management class to teach me TONS of things about so many different things and today was a perfect example of how the content of the class spoke to my walk--wobbly as it is--with Christ, my parenting--such as it is--of the kid, my perspective on behavior--which is pretty rigid and distorted, it seems, and recurring issues--I'm beginning to dread that word, but I'm not sure how else to put it--that I really need to pay attention to and allow God to do His job in these areas.
An awesome revelation--which most if not all will laugh and think, "Wow. You didn't get that before? What the h#!! is wrong with you?--to me was negative reinforcement or punishment only stops behavior--it doesn't change it. Positive reinforcement changes and shapes behavior.
Yet how many times have I misued punishment, which is only good for short-term behaviors and circumstances--to shape behavior--knowing full well it isn't conducive to growth and change? Arggh. I didn't like constantly being told what I was doing wrong or being punished when I didn't do it right, and yet....
Sad state affairs, folks.
And how many times do I "punish" myself--or try to--for stupid things I've done, hoping it will help shape behavior and help me grow when it only temporarily stops it for a while until I get back into complacency and then do it again. Change, growth, and progress is what's important.
God, please get me over this sick mindset and deeply ingrained train of thinking that screams to me and everyone around me (the kid especially) that it's all or nothing, that "if I were really sorry, then I wouldn't do it again", that I have to perfectly 'behave' and do exactly as I should every single second of the day, and that anything short of perfection is unacceptable.
I'm not saying throwing the God-given ideals of integrity, consistency, obedience, and repentance out the window--goodness no. But I want to find the balance between perfection (as He sees it and NOT as this corrupt world dictates) and humanity.
"I can do all things in Christ who strenghtens me."-Philippians 4:13
But I'm also a human being with a sin nature that constantly fights with my original design of holiness and obedience to God, although Jesus has already won the war when He died on the Cross.
I'm still a soldier in the Lord's Army--pathetic, unprepared, and in terrible need of retraining--who is constantly fighting battles between obedience and self-service every day.
I don't win every battle--now that's stating the obvious--but I don't think I'm expected to. I'm called to fight well, whole heartedly, and prepared. Why do I think I have to be perfect to fight as I should?
I really want to be freed from this bondage of perfectionism and I know that ends with trusting Him more sincerely, but honestly sometimes I wonder how I do I begin, so I continue moving forward to freedom and not all this crazy stop-and-go business.
Theis perfectionism has spilled over into every crack and crevice of my heart and life. It's disgusting and I hate it. Do I hate it enough to do my part and really ask Him to remove it?
I understood to some extent before of how perfectionism was enabling me to serve MANY false idols and idoltry is unfortunately very easy for me to do.
I guess I just didn't understand the true extent of how it is affecting me, my thoughtlife and everything else in me and around me.
I need a good dose of the Truth.
I really need a generous portion of Grace because I'm desperate, needy, and weak and no, not because I deserve it. I don't. Never have never will. I can't earn it, no matter how hard I try.
So, in all my poverty, stupidity, poor choices, idiocy-I know this isn't a real word, but I think it's appropriate--laziness, apathy, entitlement behavior, hedonism, self-sufficieny, unrealistic expectations, manipulation, scheming, self-service, insecurity, and pettiness, I'm asking for forgiveness and begging for grace because I know that's the only thing that will help and it's really all I want right now.
I'm so stingy with grace to msyelf and to others because I don't have any--not because Christ hasn't given it to me. I've given it back in self-sufficiency and shame and that's wrong.
I'm not too good for God's Grace.
On the contrary, friends.
"I am not above the charity of God."-as stated in of the greatest books you'll ever read, Blue Like Jazz, and yet, how quickly I forget that.
God, I know it's taken You a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time to get through to my thick skull, but thank you for reminding me of my poverty---spiritual especially, but my poverty in general.
I need you and there's no way around it. Why should get around that like it's a bad thing? Pride is going to kill me, but instead replace it with humility, God, and let it make me stronger and more like you want me to be.
I'm sorry.
I've messed up.
I can't make things better.
I need You to help me and rescue me out of this self-made pit.
I sure have this damsel in distress thing down, don't I? Too bad, it's my fault that I'm in distress, isn't it?
Just let me do right by you and other people.
You created me for relationship with You and with others, but I can't do that without receiving grace and letting you really be God and me stepping down from the place that's Yours alone.
I don't want to be an island unto myself, floating along deep in insecurity and fear admist the swarming "tribe of individuals" this current culture seems to perpetuate.
Help me work towards being an engaged, active, loving, and grace-ful part of the Body of Christ, a committed and loyal soldier in the Lord's Army, a faithful, wise, and obedient leader in the Kingdom of Heaven, and a pure and holy bride to the bridegroom of Christ.
Progress towards the goal. Direction, not perfection, right?
